Centering Speech
What is 'Centering'?
In conversation, 'centering' is when we swing the conversation back to what it means for us instead of allowing space for or shifting the focus to the person or topic at hand. By definition its an "automatic (reflexive) return to self".
Examples:
"That happened to me too"
"I remember when/ that reminds me of"
"I understand because...(insert personal anecdote)"
Speaking this way puts the focus on you and feeds your ego need to be heard. It takes great humility and strength to choose to remain quiet, open, and not make the conversation about one's own self. There are times when we all need to be heard, but making every conversation about what it means to/for you is damaging to connection and understanding. It is discounting the emotions and energy of the other. It is disrespectful. It's depleting.
Listening and allowing the other to communicate their experience without interjecting yourself and your feelings demonstrates respect and care.
Learning not to self-center is a valuable skill to learn for all communication with any other human, but it's an especially important skill being called upon in our world right now.
Can you notice where this comes up in your daily conversations?
A few thoughts for moving beyond "self-centering":
1. Understand that it happens. This doesn’t make you bad, it means you are human. And when you know better, you have the opportunity to do better.
2. Commit to notice when it does and to disengage with it when you recognize it. I have stopped in mid-sentence and apologized. Yeah, I felt a little funny about it, but I did it. And it strengthened my connection to the person that I was in conversation with by being honest and trying my best.
3. Acknowledge it out loud when it does. "Oh, I just hear myself make that about me, I am sorry. Please go on. I am LISTENING." "I just realized that I made our conversation yesterday about how I felt on the topic. I wanted to acknowledge that I have realized this and I am trying to do better."
4. Take a moment before responding in conversation. Give the other person room to speak/share without impatiently waiting for your turn to speak. Active listening is not just waiting to speak. It’s truly being interested in what the other person is sharing.
5. Affirm that you have heard the other person. "I hear you." "I understand." (Period, no 'because") "Thank you for sharing that with me." "Do you need anything from me? I can just to listen if that's what you need right now."
For your own self... in moments where you want to self-center or realize later that you have... ask yourself where YOU need to hear yourself. How you can give yourself the attention and care that you need so that you don't require it of others.
What comes up for you when someone is sharing something with you?
The reflex to turn the conversation... to deflect... to fix... to share a story about how you "totally get it"... is revealing insecurity within you. What is that about? Are you willing to look within?
Listening, true listening comes from a place of strength and security that you have the ability to stay with the other person at the moment. You can remain present and focused. If you cannot, look inside to where you are denying yourself... not hearing your own self, your own needs.
This is self-responsibility. Processing your inner needs is best done in your own space, your own time. This expands your capacity to hear, hold space, and be a compassionate listener when called upon.
#listeningandlearning