Laptop? Check. Coffee? Check. Propped up on pillows? Check.
I am prepared to write, create, shape some words into magic dust to sprinkle all over someone else's day. The only issue?
It's 2pm and I am toast. I mean - so tired I'm nearly seeing double. Exhausted.
The list of lame excuses for why I am in bed at 2pm is long and increasingly ridiculous. I won't bore you with those details.
Suffice it to say here that my current state is... shall we say... below optimal. I can barely keep my eyes open.
I'm not complaining -- just noting the facts.
So why am I not napping like a 5 year old in kindergarten? Oh, make no mistake, I will be in about 15 minutes. But first, I have this post to write.
Who cares about my current state of wakefulness? No one but me, I'm sure. Who cares if I write this now or in a few hours? I do. Who cares about this post at all? I do.
For far too long I have been thinking about blogging daily. It's never the right time. At no time has or will a glorious beam of light come down from heaven to illuminate my laptop. No chorus of angels has or will sing or even hum to indicate that now is the time... for me... to sit... and write.
I've got piles of notes on topics. I've even gotten a few drafts in my back pocket. Have I hit publish? Nope. So why now? Why this post? Why this random day? I haven't checked my calendar, I haven't looked at the moon or star charts to divine a perfect time.
I have had enough of the waiting, thinking, planning, re-planning, note-taking, rewriting, and all-around procrastinating. I am tired of my excuses, I am tired of the yo-yoing between confidence and crippling fear.
And so today I am hitting publish on a completely ridiculous article that no one will see today because no one is looking today. They aren't looking for it today because I haven't committed to or followed through with my endless promises to write and publish.
I am the only one who will know.
I am the only one who will see this lonely little post atop an empty hill of nothing in this blog. But like a flag it will wave. I claim this territory. I did the hard struggle (seriously Laura, dramatic much?) of doing the work on a day when it doesn't seem to matter. On a day that I could skip it because it seems unimportant. I have written on a day that I need toothpicks to hold my eyes open.
If I can do this today I can do something even better tomorrow. And the next time something is 'hard' and I don't feel like it I will know that I can create. (I'll reconcile this with my beliefs on aligned action later, but for now...) I have done the thing of which I am capable.
I have demonstrated to myself that I can do the dang thing... because it's important to me. My action for myself is the important factor here.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to nap like a pro.
xoxo
L