Season, phases, learning to accept and release

t occurs to me that all this energy of trying to 'fix' myself leads to a cascade of energy that I am fundamentally broken/wrong/bad and therefore need to be 'fixed'. It starts out innocently enough... with planning. I plan that I will do something, do more of something, or stop doing something. None of which is bad on the face of it. But if I am not aware of the energy that I am bringing to the table I can easily shift into a slipstream fo energy trying to 'fix' what's broken about myself.

I find that's a denial of the absolutely brilliant coping strategies that my mind and body shift into in order to protect me from something being overwhelming or causing me harm in some way.

I repeat... viewing a behavior in myself that I no longer want as 'bad' and something to be 'fixed' is denying my systems brilliance at trying to protect me. And the insights that it brings. Releasing the resistance to these 'bad' behaviors and choosing to view them as communication and/ or feedback is, to me, the key to being able to move forward in my life and set them aside.

One way that I am releasing the resistance is to view my life as coming in 'seasons'.

Remember when you were a kid and you were so into something that you dove in fully and a few weeks or months later you discarded the whole thing? As a child perhaps it was dinosaurs and them as a teen maybe it was full on #punk. Your mom, having seen this pattern in you before just shrugged and repeated to herself that she hoped that this was just a phase and that you would release it when you were ready. The prayer of mothers everywhere is "I hope this one doesn't stick!". She had a knowing that this was a season you were in as you defined your identity. As soon as you were ready you would switch to something else.

I have begun to take that approach within myself. The calm, quiet observer that says, "I see you (insert weird behavior/obsession/bad habit). I know that you are here to offer me some awareness of myself and I invite you to stay as you are needed and to leave as soon as you are not." And then to lean into the feeling that something is ready to go --then be willing to allow it to go when it is no longer necessary for my growth and development. That's the key, for me, that I am working on now. Feeling into the release. When do I feel the shift of the energy held inside this my 'bad behavior'? When is it signaling a time to go?

Most recently, Reese's peanut butter cups. For the past three months or so, I have had a craving that borders on an obsession. I have been eating them by the truckload. All the while I have been internally feeling like I want to cut back the sugar in my diet because I feel oh so much better without it. But then I look down and realize that WHILE I was having the thought of wanting to release sugar, I just downed a half dozen of peanut butter cups. If I judge myself harshly and resist the habit, I find that I make it harder... to the point of making it impossible to release and often times making it exponentially worse.

But when I offer myself compassion... "Oh hey, I see you, what's up?" I leave a little space to relax. And with a little more compassion and focusing on what messages I am receiving (from the unconscious engagement into the bad habit).

I can see how this is offering me a sweet insight into the fact that I haven't been rewarding myself for some hard work recently. I need a little burst of sweetness, tiny pops of joy throughout my day. I can offer myself little kindnesses that support me and I find that my blind candy habit is easing. In this way I know that I will be able to allow it to go on its own —without all the drama of resistance and fighting he urges— basically white-knuckling my way through this. That's one way to do it, sure. But I choose joy, ease, and releasing over pushing, struggling, and white-knuckling.

It’s a season, and it will pass. And when it does I will switch sweaters for tanktops. And all shall be well. I could choose the hard way of pushing against and judging myself, but I’m just no longer interested in treating myself with harshness and shame.

This is a phase, it has insight to share with me. I can pen up to the lesson and let the season pass.